Premarital Counseling For Marital Success
By Dr. James. A McBean. D.Th., MCC
Copyright © 2008 Library of Congress
Washington.D.C.20559
O ne of the reasons why people get lost, and are left stranded, on our vast highway. Is because they did not take a map, and do a study of the route they should have taken before they left home. Without proper information, you could lose your way. My reader might inquire on the purpose of this article. I have done extensive research on “failed relationships” and concluded that marriages could be saved if the engaging parties received training before they entered into that sacred arena. A Marriage is a lifelong investment. It is not cheap. One ring, one wedding gown, entertainment of guests, all this can mount up in the thousands of dollars, and leave a couple in debts even before they exchange vows.
This material is for the pastors with little or no time. It is a teaching manual. I have discovered that many people who get married did not get any premarital council, nor does any snap course on the subject before they got married. Due to this lack of information, their relationship ran into trouble.
Men and women do not understand each other like how they profess. For example, women are concerned on how cute they look, while the men are more concern on the woman's attitude and her availability. One cannot live with people if you do not understand them.
When people saw somebody that they think they are in love with, it is important that they bear in mind that what they are looking at is the person’s physical appearances. The person’s characters, attitudes, concept, upbringing, hurts, and mindset are not reveals in their physical appearances.
The Calm Before The Storm
Problems seldom arise before the marriage begins; if it does, it is a rare case. It is after the marriage that all the bad habits are going to show its ugly head. What was cute and funny during the courtship and engagement period, the same thing is dumb and stupid during the marriage.
This material is a counseling manual for those who are planning to get married. I will assume that you already have an occupation in place are learning one. Above all, dump out the baggage from the previous bad relationship. Get healing for that emotional cut . . .
Things That Bring Down A Marriage
If you are driving from Florida to Georgia and you were told that somebody is going to ambush you at the border of Florida and Georgia, you would make some adjustment to your travel. Either by changing the time of traveling, or by changing your vehicle, changing route, or postponing your visit to Georgia all together. However, you will have to do something.
The relationship falls apart because the couple did not cement the relationship. The marriage bond made their relationship legal between God and man, but we need to bear in mind that external forces can break up a marriage.
Matt 19:4-6 (NKJV) And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
Therefore, the couple must have certain principles, establish between them both, to stabilize the relationship. For example, you have to have a game plan how you two are going to deal with “hear-says” because it is going to come. Many a marriage broken up at the work place lunchroom, base on hear-says.
A power struggle
A power struggle between wife and husband can leave a marriage tied up for years until the marriage finally evaporates. Some couples could buy a house a long time ago but cannot come to any agreement on what kind of house to buy and where to buy the house. The power struggle among them hinders them from coming to any agreement.
Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Who Have Emergency Power In This Relationship?
The smart thing to do is to agree on who have emergency power in this relationship. Which one of us two is the head of this new family? If a couple cannot agree on this one thing, it does not make any sense to go any further together. Marriage is like driving, all along the way the driver keep making decision, base on road conditions and other drivers driving habits. If we cannot agree, and who has the emergency power in the relationship, might as well we hugged each other cry and part.
Hear says
hear says, and the Interference of family and friends, can poison a marriage for ages. This is another marriage killer. The couple has to have a game plan and how they are going to deal with hear says. This is how marriage poisoner gains access to a marriage. The couple must let their mate know what they told you. The poisoner does not want you to ask your mate about what you have heard, but to keep it in you, so it could keep eating away at your guts. The couple must find the strength to keep family and friends out of their problem. Most family members will take side and side taking is not good during marital conflicts.
Money trouble
You know what they say when money stop rolling it is the head that rolls. You will have to think about the monetary side of a relationship, and have plans for it even before you two moving in together. Some people do not love schools, and schooling is the only way to up ones income. One of you will have to find the strength to continually updating your profession to meet the demand of high cost of living. Will my mate agree for me to go to school? Some wife has to hide and go to school, some men are intimidated by educated women, and some women scorned educated men, because these men are not easily controlled.
Unsatisfied Sex Life
It is important to know that each party is responsible for their mate sexual fulfillment; we cannot just ignore it or wish it away. We have to think about your mate need and make adjustment for it.
1 Cor 7:1-5 (NKJV) Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control
Look phobias
is a symbol of insecurity? One mate is scared of whom the other mate is looking at and scared of whom is looking at their mate. This look phobia problem can imprison the life and freedom of the other mate. Everybody looks at other people. The only difference is that women and men do it differently. Women used their peripheral vision or positioned themselves to have the man in line of vision, and then give him a good look over, while men turn their heads and look, but we all look. We should not let our feelings get hurt only because a spouse is looking. We should try to find out what about that person that causes him or her to be looking and see if we could adopt that thing.
Have A Game Plan In Place
Therefore, the smart thing to do is to have a game plan in place that will illustrate how we are going to deal with disagreements and all the other problems when they arise.
Be Careful Of familiar Spirits
Leviticus 19:31 Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God.
Familiar spirit is very friendly evil spirits. You will swear to God that this is one of the nicest person there is, but wait until you move in with them. A person being poses with this spirit can fool almost any Christians, especially Christians in charismatic circles.
A Control Freaks
This person cannot change and cannot take rejections. Some of them give their mate an ultimatum” You have to kill me, but you are not leaving me” Anywhere you move to the person always turn up, sitting down outside in their car, watching your house. Some of them use the police to find you. Eventually you might have to just blow him away. This is why you will need the spirit of God to show you what you are jumping into.
John 16:13 (NASB) "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. It is best to use counselor of the upper-sex. Because women tend to side with women and men tend to side with men, When your marriage is about to hit the rock, there is no time for stupid and one-sided counselors.
Sirach 42:13. For just as moths come from garments, so harm to women comes from women “The New American Bible, Saint Joseph Edition.”
Women do not make good women counselors, for women. They tend to take side, and sometime side taking is not going to help your marriage. You need somebody who will help you find a way to make it work. One-woman post a massage on the web site. Her Jamaican husband of ten years marriage wants too much sex. The truth is if he still wants her after ten years of marriage, then he really think well of her.
Sirach 6:7. When you gain a friend, first test him, and are not too ready to trust him. Sirach 6:8 For one sort of friend is a friend when it suits him, but he will not be with you in time of distress. The New American Bible, Saint Joseph Edition.”
Never speak about your spouse to your friends, and if they start a conversation along that line, get up and leave. They are trying to worm their way under your skins.
Premarital Contract
If you love me and trust me why a contract? Trust must be earned; you get my love now you must earn my trust.
In the world of business, it is not what you deserve you get, but what you negotiate for. The same way that a country has to have some kind of constitution, or written document on how that country should be run. It is the same way that the new family or new relationship, will need to have something, or some principles by which the new relationship is going to operate by. If you are coming into the relationship intend to get and not to give you will need to have that in pre-marital agreement.
The good thing about a premarital agreement is that it makes each party aware of what they are getting into. If you want to keep your go-go dancing professions, you will need to have it in the premarital contract. You also need to put a clause in it that you do not want your mate to come watch any of your show. You will have to shake your stuff in people’s face to get your good tips, and you do not want him or her standing there like a head dog over you. If you drink your beer, you will need to have it in the pre-marital contract. If you are a counselor, and have to keep your counseling in confidentiality. You do not want to relate people problems to your mate; you will need to have that in the contract.
Background Check
You are going to be sleeping with the person you are moving in with, I would want to assume. Do you know what disease he she might have? One of my patients is dying from HIV, the man she married to gave it to her. She was a virgin when he married her. After bringing her home the same night he gave her the HIV. If a person refuses to voluntary exchange medical record and police record before getting married, that person has something hiding. If they ask you for trust. Yes! I trust you with belt upon your backside.
Mix Race Marriage
“You cannot eat your cake and have it” From the beginning of time there was all ways interracial marriage. Nothing is wrong with that. However, tell that to the couples prejudice relative and friends. If you married to a white person, you have gone white. You are white. If you married to a black person, you have gone black. You are black. Make your mind up before you cross the racial fence. There is going to be a split between you and some of your relative. Can you live with that? The split will not be forever, if you stand up to them and abandon them for your spouse, they will return to you after about eight years, when they saw you both still going on together.
You cannot have their favor, and have your spouse at the same time if they disapprove of your decision. Some parents invest thousands of dollars in their children and feel insulted when that child married contrary to the parents will.
Some family have a thing called “The family secret” Where they want each other and are upset with new comers. Do not push your face where it is not wanted. It does not make sense that you get your face rub in mud. Do not make foolish decisions, and then blame it on the lord when you find your life tangle up. Some Christians make me laugh. I was driving down the road with one of my brother in law, he was driving very hard, and I asked him why? He replied that it is the Lord that is driving his car so I must not worry. I told him to take away the car from the Lord and drive it himself, because the Lord is driving too rough. Do not act foolish then blame it on the Lord.
One of the reasons why Eastern marriages seem to work, and there are but few divorce, it is the women relative from both sides that chooses the bride. Since they are the one that do the choosing, they do not want to be the ones to do the breaking up. Therefore, they try to promote the marriage instead of tearing it down.
Leave Yourself An Out
Some people cannot change not even if their life depends on it. In addition, they are not honest, they will know that their life is like a broken down car and come to you with it.
One man came into one of our church, and married off himself to one of our strongest black woman, twenty-eight years old, while knowing that he is impotent.
Another woman, married to certain man. The person would never go to work; he left all the bills on her. Finally, she dumps him. He keep coming back begging to be given one more chance, as soon as she let him back in within two months he is right back to his own self again. She dumps him one last time. He came to her house one morning, they argue, she went into her car, before she move off, she do not know where he went so quickly. She came out of the car to look around, she found him lying down on the ground crossway her car. He prefers to be killed ending, and his life before making one change.
Sometime Only Jesus Can Help Us
Acts 4:12 (KJV)Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
Romans 5:6 (KJV) For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. Romans 5:7 (KJV) For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. Romans 5:8 (KJV) But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:9 (KJV) Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. Romans 5:10 (KJV) For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. Romans 5:11 (KJV) And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.
Matthew 6:33-AV But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Isaiah 55:6-AV Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Isaiah 55:7-AV Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
The Bearer's Of The "Mind Sword"
