“WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW BEFORE GETTING MARRIED”
"Compliment to National Geographic"
Copyright © 2008 by J.A.Mcbean. Library of Congress Washington.D.C.20559
G etting married is not the problem, it is staying married. Having a family is not the problem, it is building strong family. Gary Chapman in his book The Four Seasons of Marriage, says “Most athletes would agree that winning is ninety percent attitude and ten percent hard work. If that is true in the world of sports, it is certainly also true in the world of relationships.” People come into marriage with problems, and with vague expectations. Some come to get on to receive, very few come to contribute, everybody wants to talk, none want to listen.
People do not seek the council of God toward their marriage. What does the word of God have to say toward my situation? How does God expect me to behave? What does God expect of me? What does the written word have to say about the problem I am having? Does it provide information on how to have a working marriage? Some people think that becoming a Christian will make their troubles go away. Many people think that when they are converted to Christianity, that will automatically make their life a success. For our lives to be successful, we must understand the council and the program of God that he has established for humanity. We must do what Jesus says.
Luke 6:46 (KJV) And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
One of the first mistakes newly converted people, who have been converted to Christianity make is to run off and fall in love, then get married based on love or alternatively, base on our spouse’s physical appearances. Falling in love is no guarantee that the person is compatible to you. Falling in love will not make people compatibly to each other. Being in love does not mean that we both can get along. Different upbringing, different environment, and different values will create conflicts. Some people have been wounded from a previous relationship. How far do we expect a broken footed person to run! How much milk do we expect an old cow to give? Some people went out and buy damaged goods, then complain, fight, and destroy each other when things begin to crumble. We will need to know the sheep from the wolves. We need to know what the scripture teaches.
“THE FOUR SEASONS OF MARRIAGE”
Mr. Gary Chapman in his book. The Four Seasons of Marriage He describes four seasons. First! The winter he described, as when the couples are cold in their relationship. Emotional status: Angry, hurt, disappointment, loneliness, and rejection. The spring is described as a time of new beginning. Emotional status: excitement, joy, and hope. Summer. Emotional status: happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, and connection. Fall: Emotional Status: Fear, sadness, dejection, apprehension, discouragement, resentment, and feeling of unappreciated. There only needs to be one season. “Summer”. It is not the will of God for couples to experience winter in their relationship. Winter in the relationship comes about because of sin. Somebody is not walking in the light, as it seems to be.
1 John 1:7 (KJV) But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.
All of our winter problems can be dissipated if we start out and continue on a good solid biblical foundation. The most challenging marital seasons in my opinion is the “Winter.” This is when the couple is not talking to each other and sometimes not even sleeping together. The marital season of winter comes about because of interference of family and friends. With good premarital counseling and a good plan on how to deal with hearsay and the interference of family and friends, the problems will dry up like a snow ball in summer.
Amos 3:3. Said. “Two cannot walk if there is no agreement” In the book. “How To Talk So People Listen” By Sonya Hamlin. Page 49. “In order to make people listen to your self-interest, you must first tap into their self-interest.” There is no such things as getting lucky. To move people in either directions, and to make them do what you want, you have to understand their needs and interests. “What is in it for me”? In addition, we need to know how to communicate in conflict. If a couple knows how to communicate during conflicts, they may never leave the summer of their marriage. The next thing to know on the marital educational list is how God speaks to us.
“HOW DOES GOD SPEAK TO US IN THIS GENERATION:”
God speaks to us by the prophets through the Testaments. The prophets were commanded by God to write down what he told them so future generation could have it. How could a book written over the centuries help us today? God wants us to look into the scriptures for examples, and principles and apply them to the situation that we are in, and our life will be healed. The scriptures hold the key to every aspect of our lives. Waiting for somebody to prophesy over us is not always a good way to go.
Jeremiah 36:1 (KJV) And it came to pass in the fourth year of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, that this word came unto Jeremiah from the Lord, saying,
Jeremiah 36:2 (KJV) Take thee a roll of a book, and write therein all the words that I have spoken unto thee against Israel, and against Judah, and against all the nations, from the day I spoke unto thee, from the days of Josiah, even into this day.
Jeremiah 36:3 (KJV) It may be that the house of Judah will hear all the evil which I purpose to do unto them; that they may return every man from his evil way; that I may forgive their iniquity and their sin.
“GOD WILL NEVER GO BACK ON THE ORDER HE ESTABLISHED”
If a woman’s husband dies, and if that woman is not married again, her first son is now her head. Her first son now has the responsibility over her. Her first son is now her giver away father, if she should ever marry again. Jesus’ foster father “Joseph” died, Jesus was the provider of the home. That is why our lord commanded the keeping of his mother to John, when Jesus was on the cross. God establishes the man as the head of his family from the “Old Testament” and has brought it over into the “New Testament” It is our responsibility to seek out the council of God, and walk in them. “Walking in the spirit” Mean to be conducting our lives based on the council of God‘s written word. Even his daughter or daughters are under his responsibility right up until the point where she is married. If her husband dies, she is back under her father’s headship, if he has no older son. The father is even responsible for his daughter’s virginity.
Numbers 30:3 (KJV) If a woman also vow a vow unto the Lord, and bind herself by a bond, being in her father's house in her youth; Numbers 30:4 (KJV) And her father hear her vow, and her bond wherewith she hath bound her soul, and her father shall hold his peace at her: then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she hath bound her soul shall stand.
Numbers 30:5 (KJV) But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the Lord shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her. Numbers 30:6 (KJV) And if she had at all an husband, when she vowed, or uttered ought out of her lips, wherewith she bound her soul;
Numbers 30:7 (KJV) And her husband heard it, and held his peace at her in the day that he heard it: then her vows shall stand, and her bonds wherewith she bound her soul shall stand. Numbers 30:8 (KJV) But if her husband disallowed her on the day that he heard it; then he shall make her vow which she vowed, and that which she uttered with her lips, wherewith she bound her soul, of none effect: and the Lord shall forgive her.
“THE MAN AS THE HEAD OF HIS FAMILY”
Dennis Rainey said, “God has ordained the family as the foundational institution of human society. It is composed of persons related to one another by marriage, blood, or adoption. Marriage is the uniting of one man and one woman in covenant commitment for a lifetime. It is God's unique gift to reveal the union between Christ and His church, and to provide for the man and the woman in marriage the framework for intimate companionship, the channel of sexual expression according to biblical standard, and the means for procreation of the human race” In Page 86 of Building Strong Families, Dennis Rainey. Crossway Books Wheaton. Illinois.
Ephes. 5:23 (KJV) For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. In what way is the husband contrasted with Christ? What does “Head of the wife” mean? In what ways is Christ the head of the Church, and what does this mean? Christ’s Ministry was in three phases. The first phase was a prophet or teacher. The second phase he is now on the right hand of God serving as our priest. The third phase he will serve as our king. Head of the wife means that the husband is the priest of his family; he is responsible for the spiritual well being of his house. He is supposed to be the prophet of his family; he must be the one to speak into the life of his family. As a king, he is supposed to be the ruler of his family. He is the main provider for the family. If a man is not a good provider, in my estimation his marriage is already handicapped. We all know the phrase “A hungry man is a hungry man” but a hungry woman is not a remarkable sight.
DOES THE WIFE BELIEVE IN THE COUNCIL OF GOD?
Not all women in the church believe in the doctrine that a man is the head. One wife told me, her husband is not the head in her home. The wife also shares a similar role in the home. All this is only possible depending upon the kind of wife he chooses. If he chooses a silly, foolish, or rebellious wife who do not understand the council and programmed of God, none of this will ever come to reality. Amos 3:3
(KJV) Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Proverbs 14:1 (KJV) Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. 2 Cor. 6:14 (KJV) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Agreement comes through communicating and compromising. Tones of voice, hot words, body language, and go-to-hell looks will never help communication. The answer to these questions is clear. Righteousness cannot mix with lawlessness; light can have no communion with darkness; Christ and Belial cannot be of one accord; a believer cannot have part with an infidel; and there can be no agreement of the temple of God with idols.
CHOOSING AN INFIDEL FOR A HEAD:
Isaiah 54:5 (KJV) For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
Since the husband is the head of the wife, the wife must be sure of whom she selects to be her head. God shows women in the scriptures what kind of head they must choose. God show women the quality to look for in men. “Young men must be sober-minded” When we find old men that are not sober-minded, it is very bad. It is not difficult to pick out a young man that is not sober minded. Just look on them walking down the road with their pants down at their knees.
Titus 2:6 (KJV) Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:7 (KJV) In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing incorruptness, gravity, sincerity, Titus 2:8 (KJV) Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.
You cannot be in subjection to some men and be in subjection to Christ. If the man is not in subjection to Christ, how can the wife be in subjection to him?
Eight Commands for Husbands
1.To be head of the wife (Ephes. 5:23). 2.To love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephes. 5:25). 3.To love their wives as their own bodies (Ephes. 5:28,33).
4.To nourish, bring up, care for, protect, Ephes. 5:29; Ephes. 6:4; Rev. 12:6) 5.To cherish ), to foster, warm in one's bosom, Ephes.
5:29; 1 Thes. 2:7) 6.To be joined as one flesh (Ephes. 5:30-31) 7.To leave their parents for their wives (Ephes. 5:31) 8.To cleave to their wives (Ephes. 5:31; Matthew 19:5)
Eight commands to young women:
1.To be sober, 1 Tim. 2:9) 2.To love their husbands. 3.To love their children. 4.To be discreet. of sound mind; prudent; moderate;
self-controlled. Translated sober (Titus 2:8; 1 Tim. 3:2); temperate (Titus 2:2); discreet (Titus 2:5). 5.To be chaste.. Here; 2 Cor. 7:11; 2 Cor. 11:2; Phil. 4:8;
1 Tim. 5:22; James 3:17; 1 Peter 3:2; 1 John 3:3. 6.To be homemakers , caring for and working at home. 7.To be good, virtuous (Titus 2:5). 8.To be obedient to their husbands (Ephes. 5:22,33; Col. 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6).
Dake’s Annotated Reference Bible. Foot notes: Titus 2.4-5. Page 425.
“BEFORE GETTING MARRIED”
Marriage is not for everyone. It is important for newly converted Christians to know that the scriptures said “We are not our own, we now belong to Jesus, we must put him first even above our self. Our first obligation is to find out what Christ saves us to do. This is called: “Your calling” Every thing we do from this moment on must mesh with that same calling that Christ has on our life. Look what the Apostle Paul did.
Acts 9:6 (KJV)And he trembling and astonished said, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? And the Lord said unto him, Arise, and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do. 1 Cor. 6:19 (KJV) What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
“KNOW EACH GROUP OF BELIEVERS”
Not all Christians seem to believe in the scriptures. In addition, not all conduct their conclusions base on Biblical principles. They want a word spoken over them, some of them want a dream, and still, some visit readers psychics. Again! Not all people who are shouting “Jesus!” have the Holy Spirit operating in their lives. It is important to know that, duck, chicken, and eagle are all birds. You cannot marry a duck to a chicken. The duck swims, the chicken walks, and the eagle soar on high. Just because a person is calling, the name of Jesus does not mean that, we will ever get along.
For a marriage to work, we must be connected to the right person. We cannot yoke a cow, to a sheep and expect things to go ok. Our second obligation is getting to know the different groups of people in the church. Not to go pointing the finger, or to go accusing and judging people. Each group will unfold themselves to us as we deal with them on a daily basic. We need to know this, before we go seeking an husband or seeking a wife. There are some five groups of people in the church, that each claim to be genuine. A new believer will not have the spiritual ingredients to know which is which. No amount of training will ever help a believer who has fallen in love and married to an incompatible group.
(1) “THE NATURAL MAN IS THE UNBELIEVER”
1 Cor. 2:14 (KJV) But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
You should not be unequally yoked to this group of unbelievers. In addition, it is not good wisdom to date those that we are evangelizing to.
2 Cor. 6:14 (KJV) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? Some natural man has a compulsion that detrimental to married life.
(2) “THE CARNAL BELIEVER IS A BABIES IN CHRIST”
The second group of people to be aware of are the Babes in Christ. This person is genuinely saved, but is not a mature believer. This group of believer sometime is not an over-comer. He or she spiritually escaped from Egypt, but are still in the wilderness. This person can be saving for twenty years and still remain a babe, or they can be saved for two years and reach maturity in the lord. The whole thing depends on the kind of pastor that are speaking in their lives.
1 Cor. 3:1-3 (KJV) And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ. 1 Cor 3:2 I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able. 1 Cor 3 For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men?
CARNAL BELIEVER DO NOT PRACTICE THE SCRIPTURES”
1 Cor. 7:1-5 (KJV) Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Cor. 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 1 Cor. 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
CARNAL BELIEVER AND SEX PROBLEM:
I Cor 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 1 Cor 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
This is where Christian men get a beating. For the smallest misunderstanding, the wife stops having sexual intercourse. Sometime for months. Most of the Christians that dump their faith after marriage have its root cause in this. This is how the carnal believers are prone to behave. Carnal believers have one of the biggest sex problems, these spite each other’s always. This is where a woman preacher comes in handy, to teach the younger woman how to behave.
Titus 2:4 (KJV) That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, Titus 2:5 (KJV) To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
When mature Christians are married to such individuals, the weaker one drags down the mature one. Always warring and fighting like school children. The grand children grow up to see them warring and fighting. Among the carnal group of believers, there is no peace at all; they employ the service and advice of wizards. Then they believe what they hear. Malice started, and hard feelings that continue for years. The Christian church is very unforgiving when it comes to sexual sin. Even a rumor of such behaviors could get a believer resented, despised and hated. Before you exchange vows, make sure you hear from God.
1 Cor. 7:9 (KJV) But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. Hebrews 13:4 (KJV) Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
(3) “THE SPIRITUAL BELIEVER IS THE MATURE BELIEVER”
The spiritual man examines, convinces, and reproves the natural man of his evil ways, yet no one is able to find fault with the godly man. 1 Cor. 2:15 (KJV) But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.
1 Cor. 3:1-3 (KJV) And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ.
The spiritual man is the mature Christian. However, his or her maturity will not give them a happy marriage once they are unequally yoked with an unbeliever or unequally yoked with a believer out of his or her group.
(4) “THE FALSE BELIEVERS”
Galatians 2:4 (KJV) And that because of false brethren unawares brought in, who came in privily to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage: The false believer is another group. All I am trying to say, falling in love with the wrong group is bad business. You cannot marry a duck to a chicken. The duck swims, the chicken walks, and the eagle soar an high. One minister preaches for 19 years and did not believe in the virgin birth of Christ. He does not believe in the resurrection of Christ, yet remains in the church preaching to believers. The carnal believers will eventually grow up spiritually and become a spiritual man. The false believers have little hope.
(5) “THE DECEIVED BELIVER”
Matthew 7:22 (KJV) Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
Matthew 7:23 (KJV) And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. The “deceived believers” are believers that are being initialized by Satan. Some have familiar spirits or friendly demons. This is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, but in reality, they are not what the seem to be. “The false believer” has little hope, but the “deceived believer”, almost has no hope at all, because he or she believe that they are saved, baptized, and filled with the Holy Spirit. There is nothing you and I can ever say to such. Sometime Satan has these casting out demons in a mock fashion. These also have his or her own kind of discernment of spirit, and think the genuine believer is the false one. There is no love in such. You and I could fall over dead right in their present for a glass of water.
Leviticus 19:31 (KJV) Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God.
CHILDREN OF CHRISTIAN PARENTAGE:
In addition, children of Christian parentage who have not accepted Jesus, but are going by their parent’s salvation. They grow up in Christian’s homes, they learn all the doctrines and have a form of godliness, but that is all about it. Children from Christian’s parentage that are not converted, will go to church faithful, and even partake in holy communion and go to a club house, right after church, living in two worlds, and are unable to leave either. This is another death trap in marriage. This is why we cannot get married based on love alone. Love will blind us to all the things that are hidden. Sometimes it is not even hidden, it is right out thee in the open, but the eyes of love are blind to it.
“KNOWING THE HOLY SPIRIT IS IMPORTANT”
The spirit of God will show us how to live. If we follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, he can guide us into all truth. Even in the selection of our mate. The problem are. Many people are led by spirits they think to be the Holy Spirit but are not.
In The book “War On The Saints”, by Jessie Penn-Lewis. Page 149-150.
1-3 The agency of demons is always brought more conspicuously into notice, in proportion to the manifestation and power of God’s work among souls. When the son of God was manifest in the flesh, it called forth the activity and outspoken agency of demons more than ever before.
VARIOUS KINDS OF DEMONS.
Demons are of a multiplied variety. They are of various types, greater in diversity than human being, and these demons always seek to possess a person congenial to them in some characteristic. The bible tells us of unclean demons, with craft and fortune-telling demons, of insanity, of drunkenness, of gluttony, of idleness, of wonder or miracle working, of despotic demons, theological demons, screeching and yelling demons. There are demons that act more particularly on the body, or some organ or appetite of the body. There are others that act more directly upon the intellect, or the sensibilities, and emotions, and affections. There are others of a higher order that act directly on man’s spiritual nature, upon the conscience, or the spiritual perceptions. These ones that act as angels of light, and side-track and delude many are real Christians.
Jude 1:20 (KJV) But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost,. If the believer failed to know the genuine Holy Spirit, when he or she is getting married they will make mistakes. This is the number one reason why Christians life went off course. Once the believer knows the voice of the Holy Spirit and is yielding to the spirit of God. The believer will never suffer defeat. Every mistake that I made in my life. I remember that the Holy Spirit did show me the trap before I fall into it.
CONCLUSION:
Therefore, what we do in life will echo into eternity. The calling to follow Jesus and the calling to marriage is a good calling. How we fulfill those callings will follow us into eternity. I believe our spouses will be there in eternity. I also believe that if we live out our life together we will pick up where we left of on earth in the after life. By God’s help, we can over come any obstacles in this life. If we think about the after life, we will find the strength to forgive and love.
Bibliography:
Chapman Gary in his book. “The four season of marriage” Tyndale House publishing, Inc Carol Stream, Illinois. Page 83
Dake’s Annotated Reference Bible. Foot notes: Titus 2.3-5. Page 425.
Rainey Dennis. Building Strong Families”. Crossway Books Wheaton. Illinois.
Hamlin Sonya “How To Talk So People Listen” Harper Collins Publisher, 10 East 53rd Street, New York.
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