How To Communicate During Marital Conflicts
By Dr. James. A McBean D.Th., MCC
Copyright © 2008 Library of Congress
Washington.D.C.20559
E ver since the first grain of sand drops on the ocean floor, and the first breath of air escape man’s nostril, man was up to no good from the start. However, God has given to humanity the best gift of all, “marriage.” Marriage can work; every marriage can be a success, even if one spouse is bad the other good one can make a lot of difference to that marriage. If one of our kidneys failed, the other one can make us lives out the rest of our natural life. If one of our eyes digs out the other one can help us to carry on good life, if one side of our brain is blown off the other side can make us live and carry on just like anybody else. It takes two bad spouses to break up a marriage, not one, as it seems. One good spouse can carry the marriage for years.
Communication during a quarrel is not an easy thing. Tell yourself that you do not hate this person, and you wish the person to understand what you are about to say. And that you wish the problem can be resolve easily and quickly without animosity, blood-shedding, and death. When somebody cheated me of money, I reminded my self that the person is just a sufferer and need that brake, no need to get mad at him.
Proverbs 24:3 (KJV) Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:
SAVING THE MARRIAGE BEFORE IT STARTS.
In the book "Marriage works" By American Association Of Christian Counselors. Maco 201., Neil Clark Warren. “Most Marital problems can be trace back to the selection of their mate” The improper selection of mate can doom a marriage even before it starts.
2 Cor. 6:14 (KJV) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Deut. 22:10 (KJV) Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.
Ezra 9:11-12 (KJV) Which thou hast commanded by thy servants the prophets, saying, The land, unto which ye go to possess it, is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands, with their abominations, which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. [12] Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons, neither take their daughters unto your sons, nor seek their peace or their wealth for ever: that ye may be strong, and eat the good of the land, and leave it for an inheritance to your children for ever.
You cannot put a bicycle wheel on your car and expect it to carry the load, do you? When people are unequally yokes together, personality, clash is always a must. The greatest problem I found with unequally yokes, is this “A marriage is strong as its weakest member of that family.” It is the weak one that Satan is going to use. Satan can imprison the person spirit, claim them, and own them. Then uses them, when the good person is home Satan came home, to use the weak mate, when the good person is gone Satan left, so it always seems that as the so call strong mate comes in a problem started. You have to be a very clever person, to prevent a quarrel when dealing with a disgruntled person, at the expense of communication. Even a simple question can spark off a fire of contention.
Some mistakes married couple made are as follow. Fall in love base on physical appearances, while ignoring all other defects is a sure sign of defeats. They did not do a criminal background check on an intended spouse, but just move in with a child molester and serial killer. Did not ask to see a medical record, nor a credit check, they just ran along and married themselves off into bad debt, and tied themselves up with people that are terminally ill and did not even know it themselves. We married off ourselves to people who are bipolar.
Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person's mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.”
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
Deut. 22:10 (KJV) Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.
Ezra 9:11-12 (KJV) Which thou hast commanded by thy servants the prophets, saying, The land, unto which ye go to possess it, is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands, with their abominations, which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. [12] Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons, neither take their daughters unto your sons, nor seek their peace or their wealth for ever: that ye may be strong, and eat the good of the land, and leave it for an inheritance to your children for ever.
You cannot put a bicycle wheel on your car and expect it to carry the load, do you? When people are unequally yokes together, personality, clash is always a must. The greatest problem I found with unequally yokes, is this “A marriage is strong as its weakest member of that family.” It is the weak one that Satan is going to use. Satan can imprison the person spirit, claim them, and own them. Then uses them, when the good person is home Satan came home, to use the weak mate, when the good person is gone Satan left, so it always seems that as the so call strong mate comes in a problem started. You have to be a very clever person, to prevent a quarrel when dealing with a disgruntled person, at the expense of communication. Even a simple question can spark off a fire of contention.
Some mistakes married couple made are as follow. Fall in love base on physical appearances, while ignoring all other defects is a sure sign of defeats. They did not do a criminal background check on an intended spouse, but just move in with a child molester and serial killer. Did not ask to see a medical record, nor a credit check, they just ran along and married themselves off into bad debt, and tied themselves up with people that are terminally ill and did not even know it themselves. We married off ourselves to people who are bipolar.
Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person's mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.”
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
You cannot put a bicycle wheel on your car and expect it to carry the load, do you? When people are unequally yokes together, personality, clash is always a must. The greatest problem I found with unequally yokes, is this “A marriage is strong as its weakest member of that family.” It is the weak one that Satan is going to use. Satan can imprison the person spirit, claim them, and own them. Then uses them, when the good person is home Satan came home, to use the weak mate, when the good person is gone Satan left, so it always seems that as the so call strong mate comes in a problem started. You have to be a very clever person, to prevent a quarrel when dealing with a disgruntled person, at the expense of communication. Even a simple question can spark off a fire of contention.
Some mistakes married couple made are as follow. Fall in love base on physical appearances, while ignoring all other defects is a sure sign of defeats. They did not do a criminal background check on an intended spouse, but just move in with a child molester and serial killer. Did not ask to see a medical record, nor a credit check, they just ran along and married themselves off into bad debt, and tied themselves up with people that are terminally ill and did not even know it themselves. We married off ourselves to people who are bipolar.
Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person's mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.”
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
Bipolar Disorder, mental illness in which a person's mood alternates between extreme mania and depression. Bipolar disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. When manic, people with bipolar disorder feel intensely elated, self-important, energetic, and irritable. When depressed, they experience painful sadness, negative thinking, and indifference to things that used to bring them happiness.” © 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
THE SIX DEATHS TRAPS OF MARRIAGE.
Hear says, power struggles, infections due to estrogen deficiency or an absence of estrogen
In the female, can set off and infections that resemble Chlamydias, and none of both partners was guilty of unfaithfulness. The interferences of families and friends, look phobia, or fear of whom your mate is looking at, or who is looking at your mate. If you do not want anybody to look at what you got keep it home. Another trouble in marriages is. Money trouble, sexual incompatibility, includes sexual preferences. Foolish games or fantasy.
All of these problems must be talk about and deal with during the premarital counseling session. The marriage Counselor must be the one to talk about these things with each mate separately and then together. You need three counseling sessions before marriage. One together, one by your self and the last visit together. Have your pr marital agreement types out and prepared then give it to the Counselor. If you inherited a piece of land from your parents or bought a piece of land before you know your mate, you want to have these in the contracts that incase the marriage did not work out you wishes to keep your inheritance without sharing any of such things during divorce.
A FAIL EXPECTATION IS THE ROOT OF ALL DISCONTENTMENT.
Some people came to the marriage expected their mate to make them a better person, We failed to realize that no body could fix anybody. Only the spirit of God and me can fix me. No body else can fix us. We cannot bring baggage in the marriage, people and must get all their bruises, let down and hurts heal before starting new relationship. When we expect things from people and it did not materialize, it causes us not to be able to communicate with that person on a peaceful manner. Over a period of time we stop communicating and relationship completely broken down, and the marriage ends up in divorce court. Discontentment can be planted by either spouse’s family or friends. Discontentment can be planted by hear says. Discontentment can be planted by a clever mind poisoner. Silly spouses fall prey easily to mind prisoners. I saw many marriages broke up in lunch room gossips.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE DURING CONFLICTS.
Any couple can communicate when the love is sweet and every thing going good, but communications during conflicts call for maturity. If you can communicate without using a look down upon tone of voice, name-calling, blaming, and making excuses then you will never have a divorce.
THIS IS NOT MY ENEMY.
The first thing you need to remember in an argument, is this. This person is not my enemy, and even if he or she is an enemy all we are having is a mist understanding. Listen, ask questions, and repeat what you think you heard. Refuse eye contact during conflicting communication. Eye contact during an argument quickly escalates into physical violence. Looking into people eyes during an argument only make me feel to bash them, and above all control your body language. When I am mad with somebody since my voice is big naturally I prefer to write him or her a letter. They cannot say I was shouting at them, and talking down to them. Every thing I have written, am there in a letter. I have a copy and so do you.
DO NOT TAKE A QUESTION FOR AN ACCUSATION.
A comment is not necessarily an accusation. A question is not an accusation. For example, your husband asks Honey have you seen my wallet? That is a question, it is not an accusation. Do not treat it as if it is an accusation, by getting all defensive. You only need to reply “ No honey I have not seen your wallet, the last time I saw you with it was by the gas station.”
FOOLISH FANTASY IS ALWAYS OUR PHILOSOPHY.
I heard one woman telling her friends that ever few months are so she fakes a malice with her husband, and allow it to drag on, because when they are making up back it is nice, just like when they first meet. However, some people get their head chop of during these play fight, and play malice. The main reasons the other people do not know that all this was only a game. Do not play stupid games with your marriage; these play fight and foolish games end up to be real stuff.
Simple ask your mate to let you both do the courtship over again. You both went on a cruse, did your courtship over. In my opinion, couples suppose to say their vows over I would say at least every ten years of marriage. But look at this, I was marriage at twenty-four years old and now fifty-four and never did my vows over.
HAVING THE MARRIAGE UNLOCK.
I have a book title Pr-marital counseling manual Where we go through all these things and talk about them one by one, so I do not need to do it here in this book. However, I would like to talk about “ Sexual preferences” You need to know where your mate sexual preferences, Some men prefer the anus and some prefers the vagina, some do all three. This is where a lot of Christian marriage ends. One of my woman friends’ marriage broken up because her husband would never make love to her in the birth canal.
No matter how much she shows him where the vagina is he always ends up in the anus. Finally, the marriages end in bitter divorce. It is not every thing call for a divorce, some things you can get the marriage declare null and void. If you married and went home only to find out that your mate is a bi sexual something he said he was not you could have the marriage null and void. “ If any of you know any just case why you should not be joins, say it now is you, are not legally joined” Does this sound like something you heard before?
BELIEVE IN EACH OTHER.
People covet a good marriage, and try to upset it. And if the couple does not have sense ability a smart mind poisoner will certainly break it up for you both. The first thing you must believe in each other or the mind poisoners will get you and derail your marriage by making you drift. It is important to see a mind poisoner at work “Does your husband has a blue car? I saw is car over certain motel, you guys are really living it up, do you?” The mind poisoner knows the woman’s husbands’ car, but never saw him or his car at any motel, she is just saying this to plant a doubt in the wife mind and to sent her home upsets, which will make them drift apart. You need to ask, what was the license plate number on the car? What day did you saw him? What time of day did you saw him? Did you saw him or did you saw the car only? When you when home you need to tell to your husband what you heard.
The mind poisoner reply please do not tell him, he knows that I saw him What the mind poisoner is doing now, she wants you to believe, and dwell on it but not to get any verification to know if it is true are false. So some discontentments started in you home and finally lead to unrest, and them domestic violence. A clever mind poisoner can plant doubt, fear, and miss trust in the mind of a simple female and split the marriage wide open.
These can erode the very foundation of your marriage, with jokes, suggestion, and questions alone. It is important for newly married couples to visit marriage healthy church, where you have healthy models. Marriage needs healthy environment to grow. The couple must have a preventive plan install, to prevent their marriage from falling in stink water. Be able to find out covetous friends and stay out of their company. Hangs out with people who will encourage you. Above all seek professional people to confide in, you cannot confide in other let down people and looser and be successful.
These can erode the very foundation of your marriage, with jokes, suggestion, and questions alone. It is important for newly married couples to visit marriage healthy church, where you have healthy models. Marriage needs healthy environment to grow. The couple must have a preventive plan install, to prevent their marriage from falling in stink water. Be able to find out covetous friends and stay out of their company. Hangs out with people who will encourage you. Above all seek professional people to confide in, you cannot confide in other let down people and looser and be successful.
Sometime Only Jesus Can Help Us
Acts 4:12 (KJV)Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
Romans 5:6 (KJV) For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. Romans 5:7 (KJV) For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. Romans 5:8 (KJV) But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:9 (KJV) Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. Romans 5:10 (KJV) For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. Romans 5:11 (KJV) And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.
Matthew 6:33-AV But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Isaiah 55:6-AV Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Isaiah 55:7-AV Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
The Bearers Of The mind Sword
